Performance Act

It’s been a full year since I ranted. 

So much has changed in that time and I feel the need to guide you through my journey.

But first, how have you been?

2020 has been a crazy year. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times in the past few months. It’s been one news after the other and in true millennial fashion, the impact has been astronomic. 

I’ve been working from home for 124 days now. That’s one-third of a year. I don’t know about you but in this time my mental wellbeing has fluctuated between fine, very fine, not so good and “Please get me out of the house”.

I thought my work load would be a bit lighter in the advent of all this uncertainty. This was not the case.  I am grateful to have a job in these uncertain times. However, I’ve never felt more pressure to perform.

I work at a job where you always have to be “on”. You can’t afford to “drop the ball”. So I make no room for mistakes from myself or anyone else.

This pressure had been slowly eating at me for years and my body was beginning to tell the story. My shoulders ached on random days. I felt pangs in my chest when it rained and I had stomach cramps even on a full belly.

One day I had my first panic attack ever. And it started just from thinking of all the work I had left to complete. I had woken up that day with rapid heartbeats and sweaty palms. I thought my heart was going to leap right out of my chest and breathing was hard. I took the day off work after being vulnerable with my colleagues to say, “I think I just had a panic attack”.

I’ve never been one for sleeping pills. But I find myself relying on them more on more as I progress in this adult life.

Why so much pressure? And why is it eating at us?

I come from a country where hustle is our culture. The grind has been so glorified that have to work hard or at least look like you are. 

Career coaches and motivational speakers often tell you of how we have the same number of hours in a day as Beyoncé or Bill Gates. But yo! Don’t y’all see me trying here? Don’t add to my pressure.

We can’t all be 22 year old tech wizzes or multi-award winning, billionaire, pop sensations.

The pressure to perform at the highest level possible is tied to almost every area of our lives - work, personal lives and side hustles. 

Organizations don’t make it any easier, do they?. The ability to “perform under pressure” is touted as a “most” desired skill to have. They say that high performers have mastered a way to manage the pressures of their jobs. But in my experience a lot of high performers are ticking bombs. Moments away from blowing a gasket from all that “pressure management”. Workplaces are cutthroat and I know we all want to be exceptional but sometimes that anxiety that comes with getting it right can overwhelm us. 

A lot of the pressure to perform also comes from what psychologists call the imposter syndrome. This is when you don’t believe you’re as smart as other people think you are so you work overtime to try to prove that you are. With the self-doubt, comes a chronic need to prove yourself. This can be exhausting. Because let’s face it, you feel like you always need to be “on”, be “perfect”. 

The whole performance art is even down to the brave faces we put on to look okay when we really just want to cry. The performance act, I call it. You can’t even be depressed in peace because you always have to be “on”. You need to look like you got it together. 

And what’s worse is how hard it is to be lazy these days when everyone and their brother’s brother has a 9 to 5 and two side hustles by the time they’re 30. And you’re just there, content to be an employee, and not even employee of the year. Some might even label you mediocre. 

It’s very easy to beat yourself up and say “why am I not up there?”. “What is wrong with me?”. 

The sense of urgency to be productive, to be producing, to be doing, is so overwhelming sometimes that burnout is inevitable. Your body cannot lie and it will tell the story. That you have beat it way too much. So slow down. You have to make sure that you’re being well and not just doing well. 

In my own case, I was so burnt out that it was bleeding out into my personal life. I was working so hard at being “on” at work that I was neglecting relationships. I was not eating well and exercising. The lesson I’ve learnt is this. Don’t try to do it all at once. Jobs will come and go. But your body is yours. These relationships will provide memories that you’ll cherish. 

It’s okay to not do anything some days. I remember some weekends when I don’t open my laptop to work and I’d nearly have heart palpitations. I’m learning that being still, is okay. 

The pressure to perform could even be in how you show up for everyone except yourself. It’s okay to say no sometimes. You don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectation. 

I’ve started practicing this. No, to that extra work load that will mean me working through the weekend. My mother did not name me “hardworking”. I do a quick check to assess my capacity these days and if I can afford to take on more work, I will but if not, it’s a No. Nothing is more important than my mental and physical health. I will be no good to my loved ones if I’m drained. 

I’m not saying “don’t put your best out there every time”. By all means do that.  But boundaries are important too. Learn to say “I’ve done enough for today and I’m okay with that. I’ll continue tomorrow”. Learn to make time for all the things that put a smile on your face.

And learn to realize that the only person you should be performing for is you.

What do you think? Are you experiencing burnout and mental fatigue lately? Do you feel pressured to perform in your life, at work, school, church?