The Art of Letting Go

I have always had trouble letting go.

Of an expectation. Of things. Of people. Of hurt.

courtesy of: theascent.pub

I excel at the art of gathering memorabilia, from the places I've been (figuratively and literally) and people I've met.

Maybe that's why I write. I hear its cathartic.

I imagine my mind and skin like paper and life is the ink, staining me. How can we expect to return to a brand new state after people and experiences have touched us?

Cleaning my house is almost always climactic for me. I stumble across old photos, notes from secondary school, school fees receipts and down the rabbit hole I go, reliving those old memories.

Is this healthy? I have often asked myself. This ability to keep everything - memories, emotions, souvenirs, et cetera like a water canteen filled beyond its capacity?. Is there such a thing as a memory-overload? If I was even going to let go, where would I start from?

Of Expectations.

I had wanted to become a doctor when I was sixteen but the sad truth was this... It was going to take me a long time to become one. I had to change plans (Something I absolutely hate) and let go of that expectation. This was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Accepting this decision I had made myself and letting go of those dreams of becoming a doctor. I would be plagued by the occasional regret for the next decade. Have you ever had to let go of a dream or an expectation?

Of Things.

I am a curator of things. I kept my Harry Potter collection for 10 years because I was 'saving' them for my kids. I still have sea shells I picked from the seashores when I was 17 years old. I attach sentiments to inanimate objects because every time I think or look at those objects I remember how I felt when I either purchased or acquired them. It's almost like I am afraid that I will be unable to duplicate that emotion. Have you ever had trouble giving away old clothes or books because of sentiments?

Of People.

I fell in love for the first time when I was 17 with a boy who had his own demons, and would somehow set the tone for every boy I would ever come to love. It took me almost 8 years to finally say "I had let go". There had been people of course after him but somehow we always stayed in touch, held by invisible strings that were no respecter of time or distance. These days I'm thankfully detached. I'll see his smile and think, "Aww, it's still there. That crooked canine teeth" but it does not tug at my heartstrings like it once did. I am a passive observer of his charisma now. But you see why people like me, like us, should fall in love only rarely. Letting go for us is hard.

I almost always need closure. All the blogs say you don't need it. Rubbish, I say. Do what works for you. Write a letter. Send them a voice note. Do what helps you move on and let go.

This also applies to friendships. I've been stuck on friends in the past because of 'history' but sometimes you have to admit to yourself when you have both grown apart and not together. Sometimes you may have even tried without success to stay friends. Maybe it's time to let go.

Of Hurt.

I was thinking the other day of someone who hurt me. I had forgiven him (I told myself) but when his name came up in conversation, I would rehash one of his sins. One day while doing some self-reflection, I realized that I wasn't as blameless as I thought and I may have also hurt this person. So I called this person and apologized. Not the kind of apology where you give excuses for your actions. But a genuine apology. That was the closure I needed. I haven't thought about the past hurt since then.

I have also infamously inherited people's hurts. I blame it on my empathetic abilities. Someone broke my friend's heart and I remember being really upset about it. This person got their happy ending after putting my friend through emotional hell. And even though my friend had moved on and was happy, I just could not let go of this hurt on their behalf. So there I was trying to forgive someone who hurt my friend and probably had no idea why I was so 'mad'... sheesh!

However, whatever it is you are having trouble letting go of, you can't do it until you decide to LET GO and feel okay about doing so. The what-ifs will literally plague your mind. Ask yourself this though, what do you gain from holding on?

A lot of the time, our inability to let go comes from a fear of change. We want the same but also something different and this contradictory desire creates conflict in us most of the time.

Sometimes we are afraid that if we let go, we’ll miss out on future possibilities. We’re reluctant to accept the end of something and continue to hold on. But holding on to everyone we ever meet and every great find can leave us exhausted and leave less energy for those people who actually matter most to us. 

You can let go of someone, something, and some hurt without denying its value.  This doesn't negate your shared history but your shared future has changed because you have changed. We can acknowledge past hurts but holding on to them will only breed bitterness and enmity. Lack of forgiveness is a prison that keeps us chained to the past, poisons the present and can hold us back from what could be a beautiful future.

Letting go of people, I find is the hardest. But if you have reached a point where letting go is the only option then it must mean that person or thing has already let you go.

This also applies to inanimate objects. We can't collect every seashell we find or save every vintage book but we can keep them as stories or pictures and share these if they mean so much to us.

Letting go of expectations and failed dreams is equally difficult. It involves reconditioning your mind and accepting that what will be, will be.  We usually have issues letting go of expectations because of our need for control. We think control will bring us security and happiness. But that's not often the case. I find submitting my plans to God liberating and it makes me more accepting when things don't go like I imagined.  If an opportunity passed me by, maybe it didn’t really want to stop at my station. If someone let me go, maybe they didn’t really want to stay. If someone else got what I wanted, maybe that blessing was not meant for me in the first place and mine is just around the corner. 

So as you clean out that closet (literally and figuratively), remember that you are not doing something wrong in letting go but you are doing something brave.

Do not be afraid of breaking down as you attempt to let go.

Letting go will need the same amount of energy - if not more - as it took to hold on.

Some people say the best way to truly not have to let go is to detach from people and things. But is that really the way to live life? Not feeling things deeply and truly?. I'm not sure I agree with that.

Vulnerability and empathy have their downsides in that at some point, after opening our hearts and forging connections we may also have to let go of these same connections. It's the never-ending circle of life - beginning and endings. 

As we keep learning the art of letting go, we need to let go of our fears, our past - forgive ourselves! - of our mistakes, of our hurts, of our insecurities, of our failures, of our self-doubt.

"If you're brave enough to say goodbye, life will reward you with a new hello".

Courtesy of: insight-international.org