The Terror Called Vulnerability

Building walls is a skill some of us have mastered. 

Self-defense is one of those electives you're forced to take when life's course has kicked you in the behind one too many times. I should know this I'm Lady of the Andals, Protector of the Realm, Self-Defense mistress.

I take Proverbs 4:23 literally. I guard not only my heart with diligence but my mind and peace as well. Guard yourselves, people!

It doesn't matter what your background story is. You were bullied as a kid. You were disappointed by people who were supposed to care for you as a child. Someone broke your heart or hurt you. You were verbally abused growing up. Whatever your story is, we have one thing in common. We never want to feel that way again. So we build these walls.

I personally have multi-layered walls. Even my defense mechanisms have defense mechanisms.

• I was bullied in my first two years at secondary school. I've never told anyone this. I was smaller and younger than my bunkmate and she took this out on me a lot. I developed a sharp wit and plenty of sass to deal with that. Sarcasm has been my ammunition ever since.

• I almost never cry...because I always believed crying was for wimps.You are more likely to catch me crying over Titanic (the Movie) than over a bad breakup. One time, someone hurt me and my friend told me I'd feel better if I cried it out. So what did I do? I got out my Ed Sheeran playlist (The Plus album), turned the lights in my room down low and crawled into bed ready to cry my eyes out but not one tear came. [Help me!]

• I'm impatient with myself. I can't stand it when I make a mistake. Mistakes leave room for criticism. Criticisms make me feel lacking. I don't like to feel lacking. I quit hobbies and sports because I didn't feel good enough. In fact I convinced myself I wasn't sporty. But How could I be good at something I've never even tried? [Psychoanalysis 101].

I could go on and on about all my defense mechanisms. But I won't...

Do you ever reminisce on what being a child was like? We were open and carefree. We shared everything with others - food, news, ourselves. Why does adulting have to be so hard? Now, the mere thought of pain, discomfort and hurt terrifies us. 

Can we all agree that opening up to new people is terrifying? Because..."what if they get to know me and they don't like me?", "That's one more person that knows my business", "What if my gist spreads?"

And why do we feel shy to address large congregations? Because..."what if I make a fool of myself?" "What if they boo me?",  "What if I bore them to tears?"

Why are we shy to let someone see our writing or our art work? Because..."What if I'm not good enough?". "What if they don't like it?"

When people open up to me about personal matters, I'm literally stunned by their courage. How do they do it?

I, like many others, have mistaken vulnerability for weakness nearly all my life. I've built walls to hide from my vulnerabilities. But it's so easy to become trapped behind our own emotional defenses, unable to give or receive positive or even negative emotions.

This fear of vulnerability has even led me to hurt others. You hurt people before they hurt you because you can't be the 'fool'. You master the art of 'distancing' people using well-honed methods to keep others at arm's length. Sometimes you just disappear. You become intentionally buried in work, school and other activities because routine, structure is something you can deal with but not emotions. Some others perform the elaborate dance of push and pull, you draw people close then pull away when they get too close, then draw them back again when the distance has been established [This is the secret to Friendzoning btw!]

However, it's not until we remove our masks and share our stories that we start to connect to others.

As we rung in the new year, I made a personal conviction to be more vulnerable this year. Writing this article in itself was a challenge.

So what am I doing more this year?

• I'm sharing more personal details of my life [especially with my parents]. Even little details of my day which I've always trivialised are being shared. I experienced mild depression for the first time this year and I am glad to say I was not ashamed to reach out to my friend to say "I need help".
• I'm also listening to people more. Not just hearing them but taking in their words and trying to empathise with whatever they are feeling.
• I am maintaining friendships [well, this is still hard since I'm terrible at keeping in touch but i try to send at least a meme a day or a 'How was your day' to my close friends]
• I am doing a lot of introspection. This means looking inward a lot to identify all the things I'm doing wrong or right. It involves a lot of honesty on my part.
• I am open to love.

Feel free to leave a comment below and share tips on how you embrace your vulnerability.

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” ~Criss Jami

"Vulnerability feels terrifying, and like it could be costly. But it's never going to be as costly as getting to the end of your life and thinking 'what if I would have shown up?" - Dr Brene Brown